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YAPS... Flatbread Sandwiches 

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Flour, water, salt. Those are the ingredients that make up this thing that has taken over our lives. Somehow the flatbread has withstood the test of time and has made a big comeback over the past few years. It originated in ancient Mesopotamia when people figured out that they could mash up grains and let them harden into this “delicious” piece of bread. If I know anything, it's that the ancient Mesopotamians were ahead if their time. Look at it now, Iraq is thriving and full of gourmet chefs. Every time I take a bite out of a flatbread I feel as though it was a survivor from that time.

I have had enough of this flatbread boom. Somehow this ancient thing is treated as though it's now a gourmet dish. Imagine going to a steak house and having them tell you that all of their meat was preserved outdoors thanks to covering it in salt. Would you dive right in and pray that every restaurant in the world would start this trend? No you would get up, and report them to the FDA. This gourmet view of the flatbread just allows the creator to jack off all over your sandwich (figuratively and possibly literally).

I have compiled a little list of the major chains that have given in to the flatbread "hype". While they have all bombed to varying degrees the first three really failed miserably.

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McDonalds has actually failed twice at this venture. I can’t totally blame McDonalds for this one. They have so much money they don’t want to get beat to the punch of “the next big thing”.

Back in June, 2002, they introduced the chicken flatbread sandwiches in an attempt to bolster their dollar menu. Quietly they disappeared, then returned for a short period between December 27, 2002 and February 9, 2003, before being shelved for the past 10 years.

Mcdonalds second attempt at the flatbread was just in some testing areas before they opted to go with the new McWrap over the flatbread sammies…

Tangent: Some people really hate when you call a sandwich a sammy. Eff off it rolls off the tongue much nicer than sandwich roughly 90% of the time. There are plenty of instances in which it would anger me to hear people call them sammies, but a lot of the time it just sounds better and is easier to say. There is no tripping over the word sammy.

By choosing the McWrap over the flatbread sammies, McDonalds actually did something out of character… going against the grain. And for that I commend them. However it didn’t help that the original chicken flatbread that disappeared in 2003 had 520 calories and 1590mg of sodium, aka 66% of your daily intake. Either way if they tasted good they would have evolved instead of going the way of the dodo.


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Pizza Hut

On paper this is the only flatbread idea I like, flatbread pizza. Mostly because it’s pizza but more so because it was a change from Pizza Hut’s normally disgusting menu. I had half a P’Zone once and I will never go back to Pizza Hut again as a result. Pizza dough filled with about a pound of the worlds lowest quality cheese. As far as the flatbread pies, the biggest obstacle to get over for Pizza Hut, is that Pizza Hut was behind the creation of these things. As a result fell “flat” on their faces, sorry. They debuted in June of this year and are already off the menu.


Six to a box that can be topped three different ways with up to three toppings each


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Dunkin Donuts

Dunks actually had an edible flatbread product, once upon a time. Back in 2008 or so they ran a promotion similar to that of McDonalds monopoly just without the big time prizes. As far as my memory serves you could win a free personal pizza, flatbread, and maybe one other menu item or some form of a big baseball prize. The details don’t really matter, what does is that I would get an iced coffee from them during my lunch break every day. It felt as though 90% of the time my buddy and I would win free flatbreads. So that basically turned into lunch of an iced coffee and a turkey cheddar bacon flatbread. Back then… not a bad lunch. However, how much different was that bread different than a quesadilla or grilled crunchwrap from Taco Bell? The ingredients of course are different and the bread is made differently but isn’t that slice of a flatbread sandwich virtually the same thing? While I may have sounded like the worlds worst food critic there, my point is they weren’t awful. They were great as a free lunch, nothing more.

After the game passed there was almost never a scenario in which I bought one. Occasionally you’d feel like changing it up and grabbing one but they quickly became smaller and smaller before almost disappearing completely.

Now Dunks has moved away from the flatbread for the most part. Their sandwiches are on bakery style rolls while the only flatbread that remains is the “healthy” options, oh and by the way they are round now.


Egg White Turkey Sausage

Egg White Veggie

Have you had one of these things? As if the healthy eggs were not gross enough by themselves the flatbread itself is now a wafey piece of stale bread. They might as well just call it Matza bread to try and get more business from the Jews.  


Taco Bell

The only enticing thing about their flatbread, that debuted in 2011, is that it only costs 99 cents. So after you order one you do not feel awful about how much you spent, just how you feel upon eating it.


Chicken - Chicken, Cheddar, Pepper Jack, Mozzarella, and Chipotle Sauce

I know what I’m getting from Taco Bell so the fact that it looks awful only stops me so much from ordering one. When you could get a beef burrito or one of the other 1,000 menu items that are guaranteed to taste better why bother with this loaf of shit? You want to eat healthy? Don’t go to Taco Bell, or eat off their Fresca Menu.

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Finally. Finally Wendy’s has flatbread sandwiches. It’s what we have all been craving. I have seen this commercial probably thousands of times already and I have no interest in going out and getting one. In fact I’d rather support Burger Kings casual dining movement simply because they haven’t even thought about putting this crap on their menu. Though their fries provide enough crap for the entire menu.


Asiago Ranch - Asiago Chicken, Bacon, Tomatoes, Spring Mix, and Ranch Dressing

Smoky Honey Mustard - Chicken, Spring Mix, Tomatoes, and Honey Mustard Sauce

Where do they get the Spring Mix in the other three seasons? We can’t just call it lettuce?

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It should be called QuizNOOOOOOOOOOO. Sorry, I’ll give credit to Adam Carolla for using his Fresno joke but it fits perfectly. Who eats here? How are they still in business?

For the record, this is one of those times that “Sammies” is unacceptable.


Honey Bourbon - Sliced deli chicken, Seasonal greens, Tomatoes, Onions, Honey Bourbon Mustard, and Grille Sauce


Little Italy - Pepperoni, Capicola, Ham, Genoa Salami, Mozzarella, Lettuce and Red Wine Vinaigrette

Basil Pesto Chicken - Chicken, Mozzarella, Tomatoes, Lettuce, Basil and Pesto

Greek Chicken - Chicken, Mozzarella, Cucumbers, Black Olives, Tomatoes, Banana Peppers rings, Lettuce, and Tzatziki Dressing

Chicken Bacon Ranch - Chicken, Bacon, Swiss, Lettuce, Tomatoes, and Buttermilk Ranch Dressing

Sonoma Turkey - Turkey, Cheddar, Tomatoes, Seasonal Greens, and Chipotle Mayo

In 2009 Quiznos had a big expanding movement. In 2010 they launched their flatbread menu and are now on the verge of going out of business. Coincidence? Maybe. Maybe not.


So Subway replaced the option to have a wrap with a flatbread sandwich to try and provide a “healthier” option. Logically I’m baffled. How can a thicker piece of bread with more shit cooked into it be healthier? How could it be healthier than a wrap when Subway currently offers five different types of 6” bread that have less calories, fat, and calories from fat than the 6” flatbread option? So the thin wrap is worse than all of those? Don’t listen to the lies Subway spews.

Before I get my blood boiling once again I’ve covered Subway’s bullshit enough here with YAPS… Subway.




They aren’t available to most of the world yet but they may be on their way. KFC Eleven debuted in August in Louisville as another upscale, casual dining, fast food joint. I don’t understand this movement at all. While these places could own who they are and put more time and effort into making their food better they instead are trying to get people to treat them seriously.

It seems like everyone but McDonalds has now dipped their toes into the upscale fast food waters, which to me is a gigantic red flag. Remember earlier when I mentioned how McDonalds has so much money at this point that they basically just play follow the leader with their ideas? They don’t want to be left in the dust of a great idea by one of its competitors so they basically just create their own version of whatever everyone else is doing. However this upscale nonsense? Not even a mention of it from McDonalds. That means they must be really confident that this idea is going to bomb, and they are correct. This idea is going to leave everyone else reeling while McDonalds flourishes. Whether you like their food or not they have proven themselves to be the smartest of their kind.


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PS. When you fold a flatbread sandwich in half does that not eliminate the fact that it’s flat? It’s more of a “U” or a “V” or maybe even a Nike swoosh by the time you begin eating. 

PSS. Do we really enjoy Pita Bread this much? Enough already. 


Tuesday, September 10, 2013

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