Volume lowering backer uppers

I think my favorite part about doing these is making the ridiculous titles. Any one of my English teachers would hate me for them. In the second edition of YAPS... Bad Drivers we tackle another driving maneuver I have never understood... The seemingly instinctive move to lower the volume on the radio in order to back into a parking spot or even your own driveway. Do you need to turn the sound down so you can hear yourself hit something? Do you really want to hear the crunch of the skull of the eight year old you just backed over? Obviously, I am kidding but I always laugh at my friend who pulls this move 100% of the time. I understand that it’s a concentration tactic. 

Here's why I would argue against it...

Ok first off, to those of you who don’t back into a parking spot whenever given an easy opportunity, you are dumb. I’m not talking to people who live on busy streets or who work at places that have very active parking lots. I’m speaking of the idiots that live on side streets or work at a company with it’s own parking lot, yet just pull straight into their driveway.

A. You are making your life more difficult later on, similar to the guy who’s too lazy to wash out his bowl, that was filled with spaghetti and meatballs, immediately when it easily rinses off but instead allows it sit and harden to the point that throwing said bowl out becomes a reasonable option.

B. You are missing out on some really easy practice. Remember the time when people would fake confidence? The same type of false bravado that made Evel Knievel? I find it hard to believe he was excited to try and completely many of those early jumps. He started out doing it as a way to feed his family. In other words I would speculate that he was scared shitless every single time. After watching a Light Heavyweight title fight the fake confidence, and the booze let’s be honest, got him to thinking ‘I’m going to jump the fountains at Caesar’s Palace’. When the jump came I’m sure the butterflies were flying high enough to go back to the bottle to ease the nerves. I’m sure nobody feels invincible at that point but the false confidence he displayed made for a great show. For those of you young’uns who aren’t familiar with the career of Evel Knievel, he wrecked and wrecked hard putting him in a coma for 29 days. Most people would have never gotten back up on a motorcycle never mind actually considering jumping one again. Evel’s failure on New Years Eve 1967 embarrassed him and drove him to successfully jump 18 cars in 1970, 18 Dodge Colts and a van in 1971, 50 cars stacked in 18 rows in 1973, 13 Mac trucks in 1974, 14 Greyhound busses in 1975 and plenty of others.

What’s my point with this miniature version of “Remember...”? If Evel Knievel didn’t have any real confidence in his ability to back into a parking spot he would play it close to the vest he wouldn’t shout it from the rooftops by turning his radio down so he can concentrate.

It doesn’t take a stuntman to back into a parking spot it just takes some practice. Any weaknesses you may possess shouldn’t be avoided they should be worked on until the point they are no longer weaknesses.

One argument I have heard “I never really have to back in anywhere”. Well I hope those people ever have kids, for many reasons but we’ll stick to the subject this time. What happens when you find yourself driving an SUV full of kids to the Aquarium and you need to parallel park? Are you going to have a meltdown in the car screaming at the kids to shut the hell up so you can concentrate? What about when you find yourself as the designated driver, if people actually use those, with a car full of drunken idiots? Are you going to have a battle against a car full of belligerent drunks?

My point here is rather simple. Having a weakness is perfectly fine. What isn’t perfectly fine is when said weakness is just avoided and the worst is when it’s been accepted as a law of life. Especially in this situation. If you suck at backing into a spot there are plenty of opportunities to make yourself better. Forget the rearview mirror and forget that I need to physically turn around and hold my fat ass in that position by throwing an arm behind the passengers seat move and instead make friends with the side mirrors and practice with the radio turned all the way up not all the way down. You should want to be able to combat any situation you find yourself in, even in a situation as small and stupid as this.

If you turn your radio down to back up, then You Are A Piece Of Shit. Try and rise above that don’t accept being a piece of shit as a way of life.

PS. To my buddy who claims he can back up just fine yet still turns his radio down every time... you can’t. If you were good at backing in, you would have the confidence to not need to touch the volume knob... fact.

mlz

Saturday, July 13, 2013