There are so many more reasons to hate Subway than just the fact that they make a terrible sandwich. How can people eat at this shithole? Maybe the best part of getting a good sub is the going down the street to a hole in the wall mom n pop shop that feels like only you know about it. Subway has brainwashed people into thinking they are eating healthy and made people too lazy to try and find that hidden gem of a sub shop. Not to mention every shitty sub you buy from them is one less sold by a company that actually takes pride in making a good sandwich. They don’t care about you or their food. They care about money. They wouldn’t try and save a ½” worth of dough on every foot long sub if that wasn’t the case.
This is easily one of the most evil commercials of all time. The FCC bans Joe Camel but lets assholes like Subway and Geico ruin our lives. It’s sort of fitting since everytime I see one of these stupid $5 footlong spots all I want to do is smoke.
This commercial is really where the Subway boom started. They brainwashed people into thinking “Finally an easy healthy option that’s cheap”... they got the cheap part right. Healthy is a whole other subject. Hey brainwashed people that think Subway is healthy because they said so... YOU ARE EATING AN ENTIRE LOAF OF BREAD. Just because they load said loaf of bread with lettuce and next to no meat doesn’t mean the calories in the bread dissipate. They don’t even list the nutritional facts for a footlong sub on their website, instead they make you do the math off the 6” version. I got my calculator out and have found that their bread with the least calories is the Italian White which comes in at 400 calories with nothing else on it. Once you start loading that bread up with low quality meats and a pound of lettuce you are looking at 500+ calories for any 6” sub and 1000+ calories for a foot long. In other words the equivalent to a Big Mac or two.
Caloric intake aside, the quality of their meats can’t exactly be good for you either. Their meatballs are the mini ones your mother would take out of the freezer in a pinch. The meatballs that got you excited cause, hey moms is making meatballs tonight, only to bite you in the ass when you finally bite into one. Their ham is like rubber. Their turkey sweats like a hungover fat guy jumping rope. I hear people all the time complaining about putting “toxins” into their body
(Tangent: these people are insane and we need to tell them that whenever we get the chance. A “toxin” is just something hipsters made up and who’s definition changes depending on which idiot you ask... fact.)
and then will head on down to Subway to “Eat Fresh” and eat this shit. You know the KFC “I ate the bones” commercials? Well if you’ve ever eaten wings at KFC you have probably realized eating the bones not being that far fetched. You really could eat the bones at KFC and not know it. Subway’s sandwich meats are the quality equivalent to a KFC chicken wing.
Another thing I can’t stand about Subway, and for some reason I think I’m in the minority of this one, but I hate watching the people make my sub. I don’t eat at Chipotle for the same reason. Everytime I mention that I get met with the same stupid response, “Oh see I like that, I want to be able to watch them so I know what I’m eating”. That argument would work if Subway didn’t employ some of the most disgusting people on the planet. I’d much rather eat a burger that fell on the floor without me knowing than watch some guy pick his nose eat it and then proceed to make my sandwich. I don’t want to watch the person behind the counter take their sweet ass time counting out the exact number of meatballs that go on a sandwich. I don’t want to have the slightest clue as to what the person handling my food looks like.
What’s that cliche? What you don’t know can’t hurt you, or something like that, point is it’s true. As a kid we would always fuck with our friends. One of my friends went to the bathroom leaving his drink out in the open, bad move. One of my other friends proceeded to stick his dick in and stir it around. By the time the guy returned from the bathroom we had moved on to doing something else and forgot all about it until days later. Point is that guy finished his drink without saying hey this tastes like dick and since we missed our opportunity to laugh at him for drinking gin and dick tonic, we never told him. He’s not dead, he’s alive and well and none the wiser and he obviously enjoyed the rest of that drink. But if my friend just stuck his dick in his drink with him sitting right there that drink would have gotten poured out and perfectly good booze would have been wasted. I’m not asking for people to rub their balls on my sandwich but if it happens and I don’t know it? Oh well.
Next time Subway comes up as a possible lunch destination do yourself a favor and go to a local sub shop. You’ll be helping out people that really care whether you enjoy their food. People that don’t cut their slices of cheese into two triangles for the appearance of you getting more. People that don’t count out meatballs but rather just stuff as many in as they can. Remember you aren’t eating healthy at Subway anyway so why not actually enjoy your lunch. Let’s get back to eating right and using our brains. Stop feeding this monster known as Subway.
PS. Just because I shit on Subway Carl Edwards will probably win tonight in his #99 Subway Ford Fusion with the stupid paint scheme that has AAHVOCADO written all over it.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
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