Recently I purchased a condo and moved into my own place. During the process I came across plenty of old junk, most of which I just threw right in the trash, but I came across some savings bonds that some super nice person bought for me years ago. So twenty years after this awesome relative of mine purchased this for me, I would be able to cash it in for a crisp $50 bill. I did the math, that’s 175,320 hours in other words as a young child someone in my family determined that my time over the next twenty years was worth roughly $0.00028519 an hour. Talk about a the confidence builder…  

From what I gather a certain type of person gives a child a savings bond as a gift because by the time they are old enough to really spend money it will be worth something. But instead of just giving me or my parents their $25 they give it to the government so that in twenty years I have the task of figuring out A. what the hell to do with a savings bond and B. what to spend my fortune on. Provided I don’t lose it during my 20 year wait think of the endless possibilities with that $50, I could…

Get one lap dance

By a small amount of pot

Fill my gas tank half way

Buy 1/9 of a hotel room at Foxwoods on a Saturday night

Make one bet on an underdog's moneyline

Buy ⅚ of a video game

Buy Kim and Kanye’s new baby it’s 37th most expensive pair of socks

I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but if I gave you two options for your birthday present, either I give you $25 cash or I give you a piece of paper that will be worth $50 but you have to wait 20 years… which do you choose?

I have been broke before. I have spent my entire paycheck two days before I actually got my paycheck and I got paid biweekly. With overdraft fees, I have bought several $40 coffees. Even when I was trying to buy my own home and I was most worried about money I only got as far as putting the two savings bonds I have into my center console of my car in case I ever have a reason to walk into an actual bank and have extra time to kill. I may just end up throwing them away or burning them just for the hell of it. I would rather buy/receive lottery tickets than a savings bond and I fucking despise the lottery. If you are considering buying someone a savings bond for Christmas this year… just keep your money, you clearly need it more than they do.

mlz

Tuesday, December 9, 2014