TWIM 4/8/14

Draft Day

On paper this seems like a nice watchable movie. The problem is that if there is one even in sports that I hate the most it’s the NFL draft. Nobody knows what the fuck they are talking about. Guys that the talking heads have projected as first round talents go in the 6th while guys they never even think about getting drafted easily make NFL rosters. It is too long and there are too many guys you haven’t heard about to give a shit. At least in the NBA there is only one round, if that, that matters. It’s easy to follow the potential stars in the league as they get drafted. But the NFL will have three offensive lineman taken in the top 10 and you and your shithead buddies will try and talk about how great he’ll be as the new left tackle for your team. You don’t have any fucking clue, so stop pretending. The NFL draft SUCKS.

Since I've Last Written

Gravity

This might be the worst movie that has been nominated for the best picture Oscar, that I have ever seen. I could not wait to see this flick. I was thinking about it as one of those 127 Hours types of movies and not what it was. It was not good, not at all. The very first thing you see on the screen is “At 600KM above planet Earth the temperature fluctuates between +258 and -148 degrees Fahrenheit”. PICK ONE YOU DUMB FUCKS. Are we working with the American format or metric? You can’t have both in the opening text of a supposed Best Picture feature.

This movie really pissed me off in so many scenes. If you haven’t seen it and want to, read this first and then decide. Yes there will be spoilers but it could save you some time. I swear there was no movie I wanted to see more than this from 2013. But there are so many silly things that are so out of whack. Obviously there is the aforementioned combination of metric and american, but there’s more. There was a scene in which Sandy gives her position from the International Space Station as seven o’clock, yet the giant glow in the distance is a very obvious five o’clock. Then there is the scene in every trailer in which you see Sandy floating out into space. Well she had a jetpack early on the movie and Clooney has a jetpack with enough power to fly thousands of miles through space to save them, yet Sandy never once tries to fire hers up while she is spinning out of control to certain death. To continue this nonsense run on paragraph, there is a scene in which Sandy is holding on for dear life to the recently destroyed ISS with Clooney attached to her, picture every bad action movie in which the hero is weighing down the person hanging, facing imminent death, however then picture they are in space and have the option to give the worlds easiest slingshot move to save the both of them, only they revert back to the bad action movie nonsense and cut the rope. There is no gravity assholes, you can’t be holding her back in fact she’s holding you down there by not giving the worlds slightest tug on your cable to get your momentum moving back towards safety. Literally a hummingbird would have the strength to pull my fat ass up to safety in space.

I apologize for the spoilers, even though you should thank me for saving you from this crap movie. This had absolutely no business being nominated for the best picture Oscar. This is certainly not as good as 127 Hours and is weaker than Phone Booth, and might be worse than Ryan Reynolds’ “Buried” and Adrien Brody’s “Wrecked”. I haven’t been this disappointed in a movie in a long time.

The Wolf of Wall Street

So I can promise you the word “disappointing” won’t be used more than the one time in this paragraph. This is an exceptional film. I am honestly upset with myself for not watching that white guilt movie that won best picture before watching this because I know that I am going to watch 12 Years a Slave just pissed off that it beat “Wolf”. This movie is without a doubt the best film I saw from 2013. Yes you need to plan ahead since it’s a three hour movie, but it is one of those three hour movies that if it had been 2.5 hours you would have wished there was more to it. It is just entertaining from the first scene to the final scene. In 20 years we will look bad on this year’s best picture award as laughable.

Side note, I can’t say that I would put Leo ahead of McConaughey for best actor, this year, but at the very least they were dead even. If Leo had won I don’t think anyone would have had any reason to complain, but the fact that it wasn’t a closer race, sort of bothers me because Leo was absolutely fantastic. I’m not complaining because I truly believe if I had a vote I would have voted for MM, but Leo was as good as he has ever been.