Super Bowl Party Power Rankings

10. People more interested in the commercials than the game

I love me a good laugh and ultimately don’t hate this person that much unless I am at their house and they are in charge of the clicker. That asshole that turns the volume up when the commercials come on and then down when the game is back needs to be put down. Or the people that will feel free to talk throughout the game but shush everyone when the commercials come on. Please get over it you can YouTube the best ones later and 99% of them suck nowadays anyway.

9. Nachos

This feels awfully low on the list but they have to be done right. Also there is a sweet spot for eating nachos. If you eat one right after they are finished cooking your mouth will be ruined for a week but wait too long and now you're eating some sort of weird mexican gelatin pie. I feel like we need to start moving backwards in the nacho topping world. First off can’t you have your sour cream and guacamole on the side? Maybe the worst offense is the refried beans. Maybe you enjoy eating food with the consistency of baby food but keep that to yourself. All refried beans do is shorten the life of the nachos by making the chips too soggy and too weak to actually pick up any of the good stuff. Stop jacking off on the nachos please. Keep it simple and keep most of the shit on the side so the chips can actually handle it. Also it might just be me but what is up with the colored tortilla chips we have been implementing? Is it just me or is eating a blue tortilla chip weird?

8. Wings

Wings have so much range. On one end of the spectrum you have the wings that are cooked perfectly where the meat falls right off the bone. The ones where you know the person who cooked them knew what they were doing. Where the sauce is delicious and makes the meat nice and juicy. On the other end you have the batch where the person just threw together some frozen wings just to say they brought something. You know the kind I’m talking about, the small ones that you have to wrestle with just to get a little bite of a dried up piece of meat who’s sauce somehow makes your mouth dryer than if you just smoked some weed or drank some gin and tonic. You can usually tell just by looking at the wings, but occasionally you can be fooled. You know the batch of wings that looks pretty good so you pile up a few on your plate only to realize after the first bite you are in over your head and really regret the amount of wings you committed to.

7. Mozzarella Sticks

Who doesn’t love a nice fried cheese stick? Along with the nachos they do have a sweet spot. If you eat them right away you can ruin the roof of your mouth, which by the way should be much tougher than it actually is, but if you wait too long there is no elasticity to the cheese and can become cold quickly. The difference is a cold mozzarella stick is 1000% better than a soggy/gelatinous nacho. Plus you can always revitalize a couple motzy sticks with a quick nuking. Once the nachos freeze over they are gone for good.

5. Pizza

Pizza is difficult to fuck up but it really depends on who is ordering. For instance a few weeks ago at my work my boss said he was going to order a couple pies for lunch. When they finally arrived two hours after my normal lunch break I was taken back when I realized they ordered just two pizzas. I opened the first box to find a sausage, pepper, and onion pie which I’m not a big fan of but I’m okay if that is one of the pizzas. I then went to flip the other box open expecting cheese, pepperoni or another obvious staple, unfortunately the second pizza was a white sauced pie with artichoke hearts as the topping. I’ve never been more baffled at a pizza order in my life. It’s safe to say at least ten of the sixteen slices were leftover despite about twelve people being invited to eat the pizza. Obviously not all pizza orders are that miserable. Like last year for the Super Bowl we ordered about 200% more food than we should have but the one thing that barely had the chance to cool was the steak and cheese pie we ordered. Sure it was a little heavy but holy shit was it good. My point is pizza can be your best friend or your worst enemy, just make sure you trust the person that is placing the order.

4. Beer

Obviously beer is a must at any Super Bowl party. As long as you aren’t relying on some beer snobs to bring the suds. While I can’t say I’ve ever been in a situation where there wasn’t plenty of Bud Light, it is really frustrating when people bring six packs of some nonsense microbrew that you have never heard of and they swear by. I don’t want your expensive six pack, I don’t want your Guinness, just bring real beer would you. I don’t need my pallet tested with stuff that needs something inside the bottle to make sure it isn’t too thick. I’m already going to be stuffing my fat face why do I need to fill up on your shitty beer? If you are sitting around a fire pit and you plan on sipping on a few beers over the course of the night then that is fine. But if you are tailgating or throwing a Super Bowl party where everyone will be eating their weight in chicken wings then why do I want to waste stomach space on super thick beer that tastes like paint?

2. Gambling

I’d be curious as to the percentage of people that don’t have money on the game in some form. My mother is running a Super Bowl squares pool for christ sake. People that don’t even watch the game get in on these office pools. Not to mention the infinite number of prop bets available online. The Super Bowl has to be the most gambled on event of the year and has to have the most forms of gambling available to the general public. I know the past few years we have had pages and pages of bets that we have tried to follow. Some years we probably have had too many bets going to keep track of too actually focus on the game itself. For the record lets go Seattle 4 Denver 7.

1. The Game

Any real sports fan will agree with this being #1. Back in the day maybe you could argue the games tend to be blow outs but in this version of the NFL these games rarely disappoint. The last real asswhooping in the Super Bowl was the Bucs beating the piss out of the Raiders back in 2003. You could argue that the Colts/Bears Super Bowl in 2007 wasn’t very good but it wasn’t really a blow out. Since the comical scare of Y2K, we have had the pleasure of enjoying fourteen Super Bowls. Of those fourteen only four have been two score games and one of those was the infamous Manning INTD to seal the championship for the Saints. So basically we have had just two bad Super Bowls in the past fourteen. This year should be a fun one regardless of what happens. I’m not sure I see a scenario in which this is a legit blowout. Maybe it’s one of those games where the Seahawks defense dominates and it feels like a blowout but ultimately Manning is one break away from making it a game. I can’t wait for tomorrow night this should be a good one.

mlz

Saturday, February 1, 2014