So recently I saw the “Oscar Winning” James Bond flick, Skyfall and I can't help but wonder how easy it must be to get a job as a writer on a movie. I mean if you live in LA and want to be in the business it can't be that difficult to get in. I heard the only requirement is, bring your own pen.

 

Let's just start from the beginning of the flick. Within two minutes of the movie starting, they establish that the regular police are complete morons by having them drive dirt bikes directly into the on coming fire of several machine guns. I am glad they got it out of the way early on, we NEED to KNOW that James Bond is the only guy that can get the job done, cause we haven't seen any of the previous 2,000 James Bond movies.

 

So after the police commit suicide by dirt bike, the next logical step would be to get on said dirt bikes and somehow drive them up to the roof of a building so we can have a nice high speed roof top dirt bike chase with some gun fire. Totally logical.

 

At a certain point, the bad guy gets onto the top of a moving train as James Bond and some random chick partner watch him ride away into the sun from an above bridge. But not if this James Bond has anything to say about it. So he decides to drive the bike off the side of a bridge and ends up landing himself onto the very last inch of the caboose of the train.

 

So as he runs down the bad guy on this moving train, the random chick partner of his gets in her SUV and is trying to find a good vantage point for a shot. So she finds a spot high on the side of a mountain overlooking the last of the track before the trains heads into a tunnel, and apparently off into a worm hole that would make it impossible to track him down from there. God forbid you just block off the other end of the tunnel and have the power to the train shut down. Cause then the bad guy would have no where to go but into custody. That would not have worked apparently.

 

At this point fisticuffs have broken out on the top of the train and they are nearing the chicks sight. She doesn't have a clear shot and reports that to that old cunt M. But the old cunt tells her to shoot anyway, because Bond has proven to be unreliable and unable to get the job done throughout his career, and she, as ladies do with big guns, missed. But she didn't miss completely she hit 007 himself and knocked him off the the side of the train and down into a gorge. Now when I say he fell off a gorge I mean it took then about four different camera's to capture the entire fall down into some water, Fast Five style.

 

That is the opening scene of the film, sorry movie, sorry money grab. Oh and it was not that bullshit where they show the end first, obviously it's James freaking Bond. But ya he survived the fall.

 

So we are off to a great start. Following that there was a whole lot of bad acting from Daniel “I'm a terrible Bond” Craig until Javier Bardem really shows up an hour in. Good thing they signed him on, but it's a shame they took so long to introduce him. He was the only good thing about the two and a half hours of crappy story. The one thing I couldn't figure out is why his teeth make his face look normal. He would take his set of dentures out and his face would slowly morph into something that looks like the Scream mask. Then he would pop em back in and it would slowly morph back. It isn't like they just helped set his jaw in place to make him look normal, because it was a slow morph both ways. Not in place or out of place.

 

At some point over the next mostly boring hour, Bond finds himself hanging on for his life. Some guy he was chasing after trying to get info from was dangling off the side of a skyscraper, or something like that I can't remember everything about this too long too crappy movie, and did that awesome move where he loses grip with one hand but still maintains his ability to hold on with just the one hand. I don't know if you have tried lately, and sure I am a bit weak, but it takes an incredible amount of strength to be able to hold yourself up with just one arm. Find a pull up bar and try and see if you can even do it for a fraction of a second. I love it even more when it happens in a movie where they are dangling off a cliff or something you can't wrap your fingers around, but this was still fun.

 

Then blah blah blah we have to go to Scotland to the Bond estate which is called Skyfall, so this is what the movie is about but nothing really happens just a little gun fighting. With Bond outnumbered he starts to try and pick some guys off as M escapes in a tunnel and heads for safety with some random old guy that was already there. Bardem is there to kill Bond sure, but he mostly wants M, he notices her off in the distance and heads her way. Bond finally fights off the opposition and follows suit.

 

In the course of running to this little hut to save M and stop Bardem, Bond encounters another one of Bardem's henchmen on top of a frozen lake. Guess what happens next... that's right Bond and the bad guy end up falling through the ice and fight underwater. If you have ever seen Man vs Wild, then you know Bear Grylls would highly recommend shedding your cold clothes and starting a fire before your body seizes up and you die. Bond? Just hops out like he is not even the slightest bit chilly, and treks on to kill the bad guy. Shocking.

 

Ultimately, this movie had some fun parts and a lot of stupid. I enjoyed laughing at it in an ironic fashion but I was pissed about a few things too. First there wasn't a Bond girl. I feel like they built up one of the chicks as the pseudo Bond chick before this flick came out but no, definitely no Bond girls in this one. The only chick in this movie more than just a few minutes is M, and let me tell you I miss the days where we get to look at Halle Berry and/or any other piece of tail Pierce Brosnan demanded. Instead we are forced to look at this old woman whom nobody has liked in any of the Bond movies. Also a downer... no gadgets. That was half the draw of the older Bond movies. What kind of neat little gadgets can they introduce, that we all wish we had, and would be a guarantee to help Bond out some 60 minutes later.

5/10

 

mlz

Thursday, March 28, 2013