I am aware that I have already lost anyone with a vagina, but let’s be honest this is something that dudes are into. Nobody likes to or wants to shit their pants, that is why little kids try and hide in a corner to poop in their diaper, but every dude I know appreciates a good shitting your pants story and for one reason or another there are a few that I was thinking about the other day. I will save the self deprecating story for last, hoping that you will tap out before then, but here we go…

 

 

A few years back a few buddies of mine that I worked with at the time decided to do “The Lettuce Challenge”. We decided that the only thing you could eat during work hours was lettuce and the only thing you could drink was coffee and/or water. Outside of work you could only eat lettuce and could only drink water, coffee, or beer. This is on the heels of the one gallon challenge in which I lost $100 after being under the impression that it was impossible to drink a gallon of milk in under an hour. Well that ended with me coughing up $100 but it was well worth it for the hilarity and the projectile vomiting after it was done. If there are any ladies left, that’s just what us dudes get a kick out of. But this time it was the lettuce challenge. Whoever lasted the longest would win the pot. As it turns out we all decided to end it together after 60 hours and hit up the local pizza joints all you can eat buffet. But after the three of us caved the other two guys had one interesting afternoon.

On the drive home in my Explorer, my buddy Jerry was sitting shotgun and my other buddy Mike was in the back seat. We were right around the corner from our work when Jerry started saying out loud “uh oh, uh oh, uh oh” all while doing that hip thrust to raise his ass off my seat. We weren’t sure what was going on until it really hit us, or our noses for that matter. I was laughing so hard I had to pull over to wipe the tears from my eyes. When we made it back Jerry waddled to the bathroom and emerged with a brown paper bag inside of a giant plastic bag containing his soiled underpants that went right into the dumpster.

Then it was Mike’s turn. His wife and kids had just walked in to see him, so I went down back to the PVC aisle to go let him know they were there and he looked as pale as ever with a fat dip in and a stunned look on his face. I said to him “hey Mike your wife and kids are here”, he responded by giving me that dog like head shake while saying “not now, I just gambled on a fart and lost”. I guess that’s what happens when you eat only lettuce, water, coffee, and beer for 60 straight hours. Despite the fact that we all called it quits at the same time, I feel like I emerged as the winner.

I didn’t shit myself during that challenge, but I would be lying if I said I have never done it. A few years back I was sitting in my car on my lunch break, one summer afternoon. I let a little air out of my tank and proceeded to do whatever I was doing, eating, on my phone or laptop. Then I readjusted how I was sitting and thought “hmm”. At first I thought there was just a little bit of swamp ass or something going on, so I moved around again and the cheeks really swished. Now I was nervous, looked around to see if anyone was around in the parking lot. Nobody was there, so I unbuttoned my jeans and took an unfortunate peek. I scrambled for the glove box to grab as many napkins as I could find while I cleaned myself up in the parking lot of my own work. Thankfully I bring a brown paper bag lunch to work every day, so I was able to clean up and dump my underpants in the dumpster without anyone knowing. I went the rest of the day commando and didn’t mention it until the end of the day, when I finally had to tell the other dude I work with, which resulted in him laughing hysterically, because you know, dudes love a good shitting your pants story.

mlz

Monday, April 21, 2014